Little Miss Confused’s blog

Since I get the impression anything I write, no matter where I write it is fair game, I feel no regrets with dragging all of the parts into the day light.

This is from the e-mail I received on Friday March 13 informing me of the new efx3:

Yeah, yeah, I know. Heard it all before. However, this time it looks like life has been breathed back into the dragon. You guys will recall that after Keith did a runner the current efx started to slide again. Six months ago Utahcon stuck his hand up and said he'd create an alternative, but that turned out to be more bullshit.

I think you all know Welsh Pixie; she's a mate of mine and we chat a bit. She was talking to photostyles and psyphen and they said they'd finish the efx.info project but as ever, that was a load of cock, too. With the death of efx2 looming and Keith making it fairly clear to Pixie that he was going to let it all die, Mr. Fixit PD was asked for input. Well, I believe I made it clear that hell will freeze over before I lift a finger or give a dollar to anything involving big talking, underperforming techies. I put an alternative plan to Pixie and she and her guy, Jaco (rustybroomhandle) went to work.

I was happy as a pig in slop to see that something was going to happen to keep everyone together. I went over and signed up for a blog.

Five days later (Wednesday March 18th Keith posts his return and future plans for efx2

Frustrated over the whole thing about either having to keep two blogs going or choose one I wrote about how I FELT….Like watching mutual friends divorce

The same day the whole “Katya” thing was posted I read the comment that included:

Every efx so far as been made up of small groups who keep pretty much to themselves, but I think a strong message of intolerance towards the “Here we go again”, “This is the last time!”, “It’s all about me” and the “How dare you inconvenience me” pricks will either rid us of the vermin or make it clear to them that they are monstrously outnumbered and on a path that will see them leave or publicly apologise and pull their heads in.

I don’t know about the rest of you, but I’m pretty sure I have at one time or another said those same things! So of course I took offense to them. As well as knowing those were the titles to a few very close friends’ blogs.

Not really what I was expecting to see on the front admin’s page less then a week after I go over there.

So I decide to go to neutral ground and write about my frustrations and concerns......  Keep in mind this was set to “neighborhood only” I have taken that off so other’s not included in my neighborhood can see it. At the time it was posted, Welsh Pixie was not in my neighborhood, but was some how shown it.

The very next day I get this in my efx2 PM:

Hey Lisa :)
   Through very roundabout means, I'm sure, I was shown the post you made on Vox about your uncertainties regarding efx3. Don't worry, I'm not here to bitch at you or anything like that, hehe - and this isn't an attempt to 'win you over to our side' or anything. I just wanted to explain a couple of things.
   Naturally you're worried (everybody is, I think) that efx3 will go down the same route as efx2; that is, we'll set it all up, and then vanish off the face of the earth. Aside from the fact that right now the two of us are really enjoying this - and that Jaco particularly has always wanted to set up and run his own blogging community -we're setting the site up in such a way that if we DO vanish, we don't take access to the site with us.
   Styles, Utahcon and Psyphen all have the login info to get into the admin of the site. Once a month, we'll be backing up the database (everything that's needed for someone else to take over the site, if necessary) and sending it to those three guys. We're not the only ones with absolute, full, complete access to the site. They have the server details and everything. If Jaco and I get too bogged down with it, that doesn't mean it's going to end.
   We're also designing the site in such a way that if we DO decide to take a break, it will run perfectly fine without us. We want to do it in such a way that we can set everything up, all the features it needs, and then just let it flow, needing as little input from us as possible.
   Efx2.info didn't work because Utahcon was the only person with admin access. It was also set up only as a 'test' site while he worked on it, but unfortunately he got too busy to work on it. He has a few-weeks-old son and a full time job, and a house to find. I also knew that he'd had problems setting anybody else up as an administrator to the site- he tried, but for some reason it wasn't working.
   That's why I decided to make efx3 - because the .info site wasn't really working out and because it looked like efx2 was about to crash and burn. That's also why I've made absolutely certain that we're not the only people with full access - because life happens, hehe.
   I know that moving to a different system and a different way of doing things is frustrating as hell. I've been writing tutorials for stuff, but it would help me a great deal if people would contact me and say 'hey, I'm having trouble with this - could you maybe write a tutorial on it?' - no matter how small or silly a thing it might seem. I want to make the place as easy to use as possible, because we have all kinds of people there, and even some people who've never blogged before.
   As for the whole Katya thing... In part I agree that I shouldn't have retaliated on the main page. I did consider putting it on my other blog, but then I thought - actually, she's having a go at the administrators of the site, not me personally. She's not just complaining about things - she's outright calling us dumb. You don't go into a restaurant, call the waiter dumb, and then expect him to serve you with a smile.
   I tried to not be directly insulting back to her when I wrote what I did. I didn't mention her by name in the post, or link to her blog, in my post because PD had already called her by name on my WelshPixie blog; besides I didn't want to point fingers and go 'look, look it's her! She's the one, she did it!'. I just addressed the points she was complaining about and explained our side of it.
   PD's response was a little overwhelming. He's been very gung-ho about the whole thing, hee hee. I've tried to not get dragged into that, which is why I haven't commented confirming what he's saying on there about how we don't tolerate this and that. In all honesty, your blog won't be 'monitored' - and even if I do see you saying something like 'gah, I don't like this feature' or 'man, I wish they'd do this instead of that' - I'd probably say 'okay, I'll see what I can do :)'. After all, this site is a community site, built for the community. It'd be pretty silly if we didn't listen to what the community has to say - as long as they don't call us dumb ;o)
   Now then, as for your blog design. Something else that's frustrating when you're unfamiliar with things. I will gladly make your site look pretty for you if you want me to :) Heck, if you like, I'll try to make it look as much like your efx2 site as possible.
   I hope what I've said hasn't offended you in any way, and I hope you realise why I pm'd you; that I want people to understand how we're doing things and why we're doing them. I don't have an account on Vox so I didn't reply to your post on there... I kinda didn't want to anyway with KingofAnkh on there already speaking on my behalf, hee hee.

Del x

I basically wrote back Thanks for clearing things up and that it might be helpful if she let others know about the other people in the background. I didn’t think I was the only one with concerns. I also thanked her for the offer to change the look of my blog, but she is busy and I will work on it myself.

I received another e-mail regarding the same post over at VOX from PD/TD. I would have put some of it here too, but I guess the ‘delete’ button on the new laptop really means delete, No asking; “Are you sure?” Before what is in front of you vanishes.  A squirrel was outside the window… Zoey jumped up on my lap… hit the ‘DEL’ button on the way to the back of the couch and POOF… all of that days e-mail vanished, except whatever was safely in another folder.

Now it seems wherever I go…. Vox, efx2 or efx3 and leave a comment regarding the feelings I have about where I might or might not be posting, I seem to be offending WP and RB. The most recent one was just this morning after I left this comment on an efx2 blog:

Very cool! I love the colors!
This is another thing I like about 2. Being able to change the look. I used the "Jason's customizer" thing at 3 and was able to change just a few things but I still like how easy it is to do here better. I also like that if I rant about the place on my blog Keith doesn't jump your case about it or seem to take it personal.

To which I was told to “go to my local 7-11, buy some cucumbers and go fuck myself! By RustyBroom handle…… at least he had the decency to edit that part out of the comment he left, but not before I saw it! Too bad I didn’t do to them like they did to Katya and copy it before it was deleted!

Now I have no idea what exactly in my comment would provoke that kind of a response. I was only stating that efx2 is easier for me to customize the look of my blog then it is at efx3. I also was noting that I here at efx2 I have never been chastised for saying something against this place (efx2)….as in blogging about the down time, or the frustration when Keith seemed to be M.I.A….or that Keith reading comments like the one posted wouldn’t take them personally.

So I think I am in the right to be able to say I feel like my blog/comments are being monitored….even ones written about in other blog communities are not safe.

Maybe I should take all of this as a compliment…. that my written words mean so much, they feel the need to follow me around and dissect what I write.

I blog to get my feelings out. I blog when I am frustrated, angry, happy bored.....you get the picture.  As anyone who has/had a blog at efx2 knows, there where issues with the place. I'm not even going to pretend I understand enough about computers to use the proper words...the on again off again, sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't thing. I don't think I'm the only one that said bad things about the place and even used a swear word or two about it. Some directed at Kieth (since he was the maker)

Frustration from lack of information as to if/when Keith might be around to fix something....grumblings about a mystery man named Martin holding keys to the castle......You bet I was frustrated and angry about being left in the dark and I blogged about it....I even said a few times I'm going to quit blogging and may have even said "this is the last time!" I felt dupped...grant you I only pitched in a few bucks...it's all I could afford, but when Keith dissapeared with no explanation, I felt like I was taken advantage of.....My feelings right or wrong.

At the time I wrote the blog, those were my feelings....and I am entitled to them!

Now at Efx3. The new place. I understand that it is underconstruction. The people involved in making the place have done more work then I ever could....heck I couldn't even figure out where to go in my e-mail spam folder to go look for the e-mail reply that was sent but some how never made it in my actual e-mail in box (efx3 is'n't the only e-mail I've lost, I never get the ones from my employer either) But some how after a very public flogging over a blog written critisizing the place......I'm not real sure if that is the environment I want to be in. I would like to think my blog is where I can write whatever I want to...leave comments on it if you don't agree, but don't drag it on to the front page.

I'm writing this post in nutural territory because I don't want what I write to get deleted..... But I do have a few concerns about the new place that keeps me from going "all in".

first...like Kieth. this new efx is hobby, now for two people, what happens when real life gets in the way or the pressure gets to be to much? I know it is free...quit bitchin' seems to be the war cry as of late, But I'm getting tired of making/breaking ties to people I grow fond of thru blogs.

second.....Other attempts failed or fell to the wayside....efx2.info comes to mind. It started as a gung-ho, lets get this place up and running in no time place too...But stuff happens and the progress came to a stop. I understand........but I still can't find my way around there, I'm still frustrated as hell with the place I still don't know how to make it look pretty.......and won't be going back.....doesn't mean I didn't apreciate all the hard work everyone over there did.......it means I got mad. I blogged about it and I moved on.  I think I wrote pretty much the same rant when I tried to move to Blogger the first time efx crashed...I even referred to the template as looking like I was visitning my Grandmother's house and the service as being about as freindly as a visit to the DMV...I think I said a few more harsh things about them too. 

I almost feel like my blog will be monotored and if a speak badly about the wrong thing I might be in the target too. I'm starting to think it's time to take a break and let the dust settle...........................

So I walk into work yesterday. I pass the service counter where my supervisor stands sipping coffee. I say good morning and keep walking to the time clock that is in the back of the store. I get no reply from her again (she wouldn't say "Hi" on Monday when I worked in the pharmacy either).

I have to go right by her to get to the cash room to get my till.....still nothing.

I get out to my register and take down all my closed signs and turn on my light. I great my first customer and start scanning his groceries. From behind me I hear.... "What the hell is this about? You taking next week off to work in the pharmacy?"

Stunned, I tell her the pharmacy manager and the store manager discussed this Friday (the store manager is on vacation this week) and decided it wouldn't be a problem if I switched departments for a week (cashiering schedule for that week has not been made yet). We have more then enough cashiers to fill in the shifts. Most of them are begging for extra hours too. Meanwhile I apologize to the customer, tell him his total and collect the money. There is another lady in line behind him and I great her and start scanning her groceries.

My supervisor is flapping her arms (she is very petite and blond I couldn't help but think of a little chicken) and telling me that another cashier just came up to her today and asked for next Thursday and Friday off. (she didn't say anything to that cashier) The supervisor was going on and on about how she didn't know if she could spare me those days and how difficult I just made her job with scheduling.

I told her I can get almost 40 hours in that one week in the pharmacy. I apologized for causing her problems, but based on the store manager telling the pharmacy manager that it was OK for us to do this, we went ahead and scheduled me in the pharmacy. I told her I would have come to her with this, except she had Friday, Saturday and Sunday off, and that I thought it wasn't a problem since nothing was said Monday when I came in to work in the pharmacy.

I went back to my customer and again apologized, told her the total and collected the money. The other cashier was helping me bag the groceries and had been just standing their wide eyed during this whole exchange. My supervisor finally just went away. I was not about to give in and say I would cashier that week. If I did I would only get about 25 hours. I knew we had enough people to cover the shifts, it would just take the supervisor a little more time to make out the schedule because she wouldn't be able to just repeat mine for the week.

After she left the other cashier just said "Well that was rude of her!" The next customer in line agreed and having herd the whole conversation told me I handled myself very professionally and that it was a shame that the supervisor had to bring this out on the floor rather then take care of it in private. Again I apologized to the customer for having to be put in that situation. This customer knows the store manager and intends on telling him about this (They all say that so I am not counting on anything happening)

I went on with my day as if nothing happened. I stayed polite with my customers even though inside I was one very pissed off person. A few customers latter, I had one with a really loaded cart. More groceries then I could bag and scan myself in a timely manner. I called for a bagger. In our store cashiers just call on the intercom "Courtesy up front for bagging" (during the day that is the manager on duty) our assistant manager came up to help bag and started in on me about how this was the front end manager's job. She should be up here doing this. He was grumbling and complaining the whole time he was helping. After we had all the groceries bagged it took 2 shopping carts to get them to the customers car. I asked the customer if they wanted to drive up for the groceries and they did. So I pushed one cart to the parcel pick-up room, the assistant manger took the other one. When we where out of hearing range of the customers I turned to him and said "If you have a problem with the way Debbie is doing her job, talk to her. Leave me out and don't bring it up in front of the customers. I am sick of being chewed out in front of customers for problems that don't concern me. I don't care who comes up to assist the customer. I do my part by calling for help when it is needed. I expect some one to come up and help. Personally I don't care who it is!"

He gave me the same wide eyed look the other cashier did after our supervisor flapped around like a chicken.

I went on with the rest of my day as if none of that ever happened. even though I was pissed on the inside, I never let on with the customers. I tried to be my happy self and give them the courtesy they deserved.

Of course gossip flies thru our store faster then a miser looking for free samples and before my shift was up I was approached by several other employees remarking about the bad day I was having. I made light of the situation and would just say "Go figure, usually it's the customers that make this job miserable"

My day finally ended and I pulled my till to bring it back to the cash room. Again I had to walk past my supervisor. I decided to just go about business as if none of today had happened. She followed me into the cash room and to my surprise she apologized for jumping me earlier. She said she was upset because the store manager shouldn't talk for her and that I should have came to her with this scheduling issue. I reminded her she was gone those days or I would have gone to her with this. I then told her the pharmacy manager had also mentioned they may need me the following week too. If I have a chance to work in the pharmacy I am taking it. They can pay me more and they can offer me a full time job. If I stay on as just a cashier. I have no future in the company. Cashiers are never hired on full time and they always have to fight for their hours, not to mention they are the lowest paid employees. I told her that if there was a way to get me a full time job with the same pay they can offer in the pharmacy, I'm all hers. Until then I have to look out for myself and if that means working in another department or finding another job all together, that is what I will do.

Some how I think I may have shot myself in the foot with this one. I can see her being vindictive enough to cut my hours to "pay me back" I guess only time will tell!
 

My first day in the pharmacy started as I expected. I showed up on time and no one there knew I was coming. It is one of the biggest problems we have in our store....communication!

The dragon lady was out from 3pm to 4pm. I started at 3pm and she didn't tell anyone I was starting yesterday. The pharmacist on duty looked a little stunned that he had a new employee and no one knew who was supposed to train me. I made light of it and just said "Surprise!...you all tell me what to do and I will follow orders"

Luckily the cash register in the pharmacy is similar to the one at the service counter and the regular register, half of my job I already understood. The rest was made easier with regular customers seeing me in the pharmacy for the first time. They knew I was new to the job and where very understanding when I had to go ask questions before I could ring up their prescriptions.

I only worked with the dragon lady three hours, so I can't really make a fair judgment yet. She didn't really seam mean, just very professional. I think that has been lacking in that department.

My first hour was a bit tense. The older lady that won't sell condoms and the one that put in her notice where working. I am the one replacing them little by little. The tension was so thick you could cut it with a knife. Neither of those two where very friendly. If I had a question they just gave me a blank stare instead of an answer. I learned quickly to ask the pharmacy technician any questions and just tried to stay out of the way from the other two.

All in all I must have done pretty good! The head pharmacist (dragon lady) said she will be talking to the store manager next week (he is on vacation this week) about having me work more hours in the pharmacy!

I'm hoping I can. I see no full time future in cashiering or working the service counter....and being able to add pharmacy work to a resume has to look better to possible future employers then just saying I was a cashier!

Sadly I think I might have angered my cashiering supervisor. When I came in to the store I had to pass the service counter. I said "Hello" like I always do....and didn't get a reply. It seems a bit childish to ignore me, but I know that is her way of showing her displeasure. I told her during my review that I would be glad to stay on as just a cashier and be her puppet if she could match the hours and the pay that they can give me in the pharmacy. She said she wished she could, but all pay is decided by our corporate office. I wanted to tell her that was nice, but wishes don't pay my bills.

Sadly I didn't get the raise I was expecting. I am not officially a Pharmacy Technician. I am just a clerk. Dragon lady said she will talk to the store manager about getting me some kind of raise until I get more training and can become an official pharmacy technician. For now I am just happy to be getting more hours. As a cashier/service counter employee the most the store was scheduling me was about 25 to 30 hours a week. The pharmacy will give me about 30 to 35. Just those few extra hours make a big difference in my pay check!

I spent Tuesday with my in-laws. My father-in-law had minor surgery at the VA hospital in Minneapolis. My Mother-in-law didn't want to drive by herself so my husband did the driving. One of my sister-in-laws came with too.

20+ years ago when I met my husbands family, my Mother-in-law had just started taking her mother places. My husband's grandmother had reached that age when she shouldn't be driving any more. I would listen to my MIL grumble about taking grandma shopping, how difficult it was to get the groceries, buy cloths....

When I asked my MIL why she does it if she hates doing it so much, her reply was "just wait and see, some day you will be old and you will be taking me or dad places when we get to old to do it alone"

As I sat there in the waiting room, I started to notice the wrinkles in my MIL face. She had always looked so young. People often mistook her as a sister, not  a mother.  I saw the worry in her face as we waited for the surgeon to come out and tell us everything went OK. I could imagine the thoughts of "what if" that she had running thru her brain.

I had a few of my own spinning up there. What if the unthinkable happened and we lost my FIL? What would become of my husbands family. They all relied on their dad so much. He was who they turned to for advise, help, money. I watched my own family fall to pieces after my Mom died. I would hate to see something like that happen to his.

I started to think about my MIL. She had not spent a night alone in her house in over 40 years. There had always been children running around even if my FIL had gone on a hunting trip. There are 6 kids in the family so a night alone was unheard of. If my FIL had to spend the night in the hospital (that was the original plan) it would have been the first time in a very long time my MIL would be alone. She said she was scared to death to be alone.

As I sat there thinking about my in-laws. I started to think about myself. What would I do if something happened to my husband? We don't have children to help out. If it was him going in for surgery, who would be there watching me? Would I find the strength to drive to the big city by myself?

People who have known about my past say things like "you are so strong" -or- "you have overcame so much"...That was a long time ago!  I didn't feel very strong back then.  I just did what I needed to do to survive.  Thinking back now, if I was truly a strong person, I wouldn't have gotten in those predicaments in the first place.

I sometimes wonder if I made a mistake, not pushing the baby thing. We found out before we were even married that the chance of me getting pregnant would be slim to none. after about ten years we thought children would be nice. I went thru a surgery trying to correct the problem. We did the whole infertility game, stopping at in-vitro fertilization. Our insurance didn't cover it and we didn't have the money available for such a thing.

As time went on, I was selfishly glad we didn't have kids. we didn't have to change our lifestyle or make the sacrifices we saw other young parents making. We could do and go as we pleased with out worry about babysitters or hauling baby stuff around. we didn't have to worry about the future. Our goal was to spend every penny before we went to our grave....after all we didn't have any one to leave it too.

Suddenly with out warning, we (hubby and me) are the ones taking the parents to appointments, checking in on them to make sure they are OK. as my MIL once said...wait until you get old....I'm feeling a little old right now, and a little scared.

I see how easily it is to loose some one. In the blink of an eye a loved one could be taken from us. I know I can't dwell on that, but I can't help it, it's part of who I am. I am hoping by putting this out there instead of holding it in my wee brain, the thoughts will go away. They creep into my sleep at night and keep me awake.

I have stumbled upon a few different blogs that ask the question "why do you blog". This had me thinking about my own blogging and why I do it.

After giving it some thought I'm not really sure why I do it. A friend I worked with told me about her blog and then I started one. It was basically a way to relieve boredom. I was never one to "surf" the net. usually I didn't know what I was looking for and randomly placing words into a search engine to see what would come out lost its appeal shortly after getting the first home computer.

Now that I have three blogs going it is starting to feel like a part time job and to be honest if I am going to start another job I want one that will make me money...God knows I need it.

I'm thinking of taking a hiatus from blogging. It has started to have the same feelings of addiction other things had in my life. The nervousness after being away for a while. The on edge feeling when I have not checked in for a while. Sometimes sneaking on line during the day just to see what's up.

The problem is that I have met some really neat people thru blogging. Chances are I will never meet them in the flesh, but I have gotten to know them all the same. I hate the thought of loosing that connection.

So if I'm not around as much....don't worry...I'm still here, just trying to live my life "outside this box" for a while.

Well today is the day that football fans have been waiting for. To be totally honest....I'm not even sure who the teams are. I watch it for the half time show and the commercials.

Every year they seem to hype up the commercials. The TV talks about how many millions of dollars are spent on the ad space. Every year I watch the commercials and hope I won't be disappointed. Most times the commercials are ones that are already airing. I guess I would expect advertisers to make new ones given the fact they spend so much on them. Maybe this year will be different.

I also watch for the half time show. In past years there have been a few good ones, ZZ Top was my favorite so far. There have also been a few duds. I'm hoping this year they don't try to squeeze to much into a little bit of time. I would rather hear the whole song, even if It's one I don't like, then to hear bits and pieces of several songs. It's almost like the half time show tries too hard to please every one by doing snippets of all genres....just pick one and stick to it!

The Super Bowl is the perfect show in our house. It's also the only time the TV stays on the same channel for any great length of time. Usually hubby is flipping thru the channels when the commercials come on when he is watching TV. Today that is not allowed.

He gets to watch the game uninterrupted. I will get up and get the pop, chips, let the dogs out....while the game is on. He will do it during the commercials!

Next weekend is my "super bowl" The Westminster Kennel Club has their dog show! I'm rooting for the St Bernard!

Well this will make the umpteeth blog I have set up I seem to have a way of picking the blog sites that wil either crash or get to complicated to use. I'm hopping that this place will have the same feel of community as the last place. I'm also hoping i can figure out how to add a little personality to the place.

Right now it doesn't feel like home. It feels lie I am a guest and just visiting. maybe i'll stick around....guess i will just have to wait and see what happens.